Dirty Mascots
Ahh the sports mascot, the embodiment of a team’s fighting spirit. You know what is often the cause of fighting spirit? An overabundance of testosterone.
Which explains what’s going on in the following pics pretty well.
Russia Imports Guidoism
In case you’ve missed out on this cultural travesty from the American state of New Jersey, here’s a quick picture:
It was bad enough that the East Coast of the US had to deal with these genetically defective Oompa Loompas. Now Mother Russia seems to be embracing the trend.
Statues Gone Wild
Let’s Go Grocery Shopping at a Chinese Wal-Mart!
欢迎光临沃尔码! With the rising popularity of Coffee, Western music, Buicks, and dozens of Wal-Marts opening around China, America just might be catching up in the culture war.
Now the land of the Dragon can enjoy marginal quality products at awesome prices too! Fortunately, the products they sell are just slightly different than the ones we get over here.
Like tasty, tasty alligator:
And hog snout:
Hot and spicy beef granules. They must be cheap because the package reads “Great Value”, in English, meaning they didn’t even spend money on translating it.
M R Ducks:
Is 5.50 yuan cheap for a live frog?
What would be a Walmart without a large liquor section?
Miscellaneous reptile parts. MMMmmm good.
Dong brand anti-bacterial underwear. Someone’s got a sense of humor.
Piles of meat, so you can make sure it’s fresh.
Guessing… sausage? Hopefully?
These must be the premium brand of live frogs, since they’re 70 yuan more than the clearance ones.
Corn oil and orange juice. Isn’t this the recipe given for Napalm in the Fight Club movie? Also, why does the corn on the label look more like a cornfish?
More of their open meat policy. Nothing says ‘fresh’ like having everyone in the neighborhood handle your meat.
Facebook is Still Screwing With Us
It all makes sense now; Facebook is insulting the virility of this particular Offbeat Earth editor. If you missed the first post we made on the subject, it made a crude suggestion about my character which I mistook for the site just being a bit randy.
But now the site is openly making it clear that it’s questioning my masculinity, by suggesting I subscribe to the…
Grabbing the Bull by the Horns… With Your Face
Granny Was Late to the Salon
Retired people have such busy lives these days. Gardening, bingo, baking cookies, and World of Warcraft all require a significant investment of time. Sometimes it’s just hard to fit in all the important things.
So one creative senior decided to invent an entirely new type of business, in order to meet the needs of her busy schedule:
A Drive-Through Hair Salon.
Unfortunately, she didn’t make any arrangements with the salon’s owners before she implemented her new business plan for them.
Bacon Everything
These products might not be popular in the Middle East, but we’re sure they’re a hit in the Midwest!
Chapped lips from eating all that bacon? No fear!
Vodka was originally made with potatoes, so maybe this isn’t so weird after all.
These actually sounds pretty good.
Oh great, mayo wasn’t disgustingly fatty enough. This product, no doubt, was invented by an evil cardiologist trying to drum up extra business.
Yes, that is bacon ice cream. Go on, have a scoop. Just make sure you include Offbeat Earth in your will.
Carmel corn with bacon.
Can’t get your favorite bacon-added products on the go? Bring some Bacon Salt with you and you’ll never be without the taste of bacon!
Bacon peanut brittle. Brittle, like your arteries.
Now these could have some interesting uses. If you’re going to write your congressman or senator, you might as well use a bacon-flavored envelope.
After a long day of eating bacon, make sure you clean your teeth.
Mugshot Tattoos
So if you’re taking a picture for a mugshot, chances are you’re already a loser. Why not go that extra mile by having your face decorated for the occasion?
Criminal Hijinks Lead to Stupid Excuses (Which Sometimes Work)
A Muslim driver, upon facing the prospect of losing his license for driving too fast in a 30 MPH zone, justified his speeding to the judge by explaining that his first wife had made him late to meet with his second. Considering this was the UK, we're pretty sure his excuse didn't help his case.
This Japanese model was accused of breaking into someone's house. Her defense involved pointing out the size of her chest to the judge and explaining how she wouldn't have fit through the window. The case was dismissed.
Sandy C. wasn't having a good day so she stabbed her co-worker. Her defense: PMS. The judge suspended the sentence, based on her diaries and ordered hormone treatment.
Gene Morril of New Hampshire, upon facing a judge over child molestation charges, blamed it on himself being molested by "a Snowman" as a child. Due to a lack of testimony from the Snowman in question, he was convicted.
Keith Griffith faced 10 charges of child pornography to which he pleaded Not Guilty because "his cat had downloaded it". No, we're not going to make a "Kitty Porn" joke; that would be stupid
